Well, That’s One Way To Do It (or, What We Found Under Those Gross Carpets)
While most of the first floor of the sh*thouse has original (and astonishingly straight, if scratched-up) hardwood flooring, the second floor was graced with unfathomably gross off-white wall-to-wall carpeting, complete with dust, dirt, dead flies, and what looked suspiciously like blood stains(?!). I can’t think of many scenarios where off-white carpeting would be a good choice, but when you couple that flooring decision with literally decades of neglect (and maybe a double homicide), well... you buy yourself a respirator before tearing it up, is what you do.
Armed with utility knives, contractor trash bags, respirators (I wasn’t kidding), and the cheerful help of a friend*, we set out to make the second floor a little more livable. We assumed we’d be left with fractionally-less-gross hardwood, which we could cover with cheap, DIY carpet tiles until we were ready to tear the whole floor up.
So we started in the back corner of the back bedroom where we were met with the old, creaky hardwood we expected. Just a few inches over, however, things began to change. There was some kind of…hard residue...stuck to the floor. I thought maybe it was some kind of adhesive. It was, somehow, dumber than that. Whoever had laid down the carpet had wanted the floors underneath to be reeeeeally straight, so they applied a self-leveling compound. I mean, I guess that’s one way to do it?
Self-leveling compound is a chemical mixture that is typically applied to concrete subfloors to provide an even foundation for floor tiles or other flooring materials that are likely to crack if laid over an uneven surface. It’s not generally required for carpeting, and VERY not recommended for large expanses of old, sloping hardwood floor like, for example, the entire second story of a 100 year old home. Yep, this stuff is basically everywhere. It was a baffling decision which not only added a tremendous amount of weight to the floor being supported by the ceiling below, but probably added hours and many dollar signs to our upcoming demo bill.
Armed with utility knives, contractor trash bags, respirators (I wasn’t kidding), and the cheerful help of a friend*, we set out to make the second floor a little more livable. We assumed we’d be left with fractionally-less-gross hardwood, which we could cover with cheap, DIY carpet tiles until we were ready to tear the whole floor up.
So we started in the back corner of the back bedroom where we were met with the old, creaky hardwood we expected. Just a few inches over, however, things began to change. There was some kind of…hard residue...stuck to the floor. I thought maybe it was some kind of adhesive. It was, somehow, dumber than that. Whoever had laid down the carpet had wanted the floors underneath to be reeeeeally straight, so they applied a self-leveling compound. I mean, I guess that’s one way to do it?
Self-leveling compound is a chemical mixture that is typically applied to concrete subfloors to provide an even foundation for floor tiles or other flooring materials that are likely to crack if laid over an uneven surface. It’s not generally required for carpeting, and VERY not recommended for large expanses of old, sloping hardwood floor like, for example, the entire second story of a 100 year old home. Yep, this stuff is basically everywhere. It was a baffling decision which not only added a tremendous amount of weight to the floor being supported by the ceiling below, but probably added hours and many dollar signs to our upcoming demo bill.
It also meant that our plans for an inexpensive DIY flooring solution were a no-go. Applying self-leveling compound poorly, or to a surface where it's not suited (or, bonus, both!), creates the opposite of its intended effect. It left unfortunate ridges where the floor changed pitch and had begun chipping up around the perimeter. Our cheap carpet tile would be no match for this rugged terrain. We'd need to have new carpet professionally installed. Surprise!!
So, with move-in date looming, we called frantically around to what seemed like every carpet installer in the Chicagoland area with a request that endeared us to exactly no one: 500 sq ft of your cheapest carpet remnants, stat! While the new carpet is an undeniable upgrade over the old, it was considerably more money than I'd prefer to spend on something so temporary and, hilariously, is only a shade or two darker than the hideous off-white variety it replaced. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
*shout-out to the incomparable Michael Bernard Maron, after whom we will likely name at least a room if not an entire wing of our house, for his reliable support and unwavering positivity.
So, with move-in date looming, we called frantically around to what seemed like every carpet installer in the Chicagoland area with a request that endeared us to exactly no one: 500 sq ft of your cheapest carpet remnants, stat! While the new carpet is an undeniable upgrade over the old, it was considerably more money than I'd prefer to spend on something so temporary and, hilariously, is only a shade or two darker than the hideous off-white variety it replaced. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
*shout-out to the incomparable Michael Bernard Maron, after whom we will likely name at least a room if not an entire wing of our house, for his reliable support and unwavering positivity.
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